Craziness Abounds

It’s been FOREVER, and GOSH….do I mean forever since I’ve posted…..I’m sorry. TOO much has been going on. I’ve been trying to stay afloat…..quite literally.

Lil man is not the same child since starting school a few weeks ago. He’s FULL of fear….constant FEAR and complete ANGER. I will explain in future posts….I promise. I must….and I do mean MUST post…for myself…..to be able to “get this out.” Those of you who’ve been there or those of you who are going through this, TOTALLY get what I’m talking about. I feel TOTALLY alone in this. I have almost no one to talk to. Those persons I thought I could talk to have abandonded me….quite literally. There were persons who’ve been there done that that I trusted more than anything in this world…..that abandonded me in my darkest hour. I went to them on my knees crying……begging for help…..and all I got was this….”gosh, I don’t know your schedule. You gotta call me.” THAT is when I KNEW in my heart of hearts who my REAL friends were. It’s so odd too, cuz this friend told me shortly before she abandonded ME…that I was the ONLY one who NEVER abandoned HER….isn’t life strange like that?!

I do have ONE friend who has NOT failed me. She is the ONE true friend…..I can count on. She is the ONE who has consistently and I do mean consistently, no matter if she heard from me or not, sent me text messages to let me know that she was thinking of us….especially lil man…..to let me know she WAS THERE!!!!! I cry at the thought of KNOWING that THIS friend is the ONE….the ONE I KNEW would be there! THANK YOU…you know who you are…my very very dear friend!!!!!!!!!

Anways…..MY friends are NOT the most important thing….of course they ARE important!!! BUT the MOST important is LIL MAN!!!!!!!! He is in a mess….a terrible mess. School is killing him. He adores it…loves the work itself, which I KNEW in my heart he would. But he’s torn….he wants so terribly to be home w/ mama. He’s sooo angry too….and he’s taking it ALL out on ME…not daddy at all. He’s doing things to ME that he’s NEVER EVER done in his short 4 years home with us!!!! He’s now hitting me, kicking me, screaming directly IN my face, and NOT LETTING me hold him…..and actually pushing me away for about 15-20 minutes while trying to calm him down…NEVER done this before school started!!!!!!!!

He’s HOLDING IT IN while in school……

and EXPLODING at home…..it’s horrible.

I’ll write more later……I gotta “Rest” before the storm……

Mama249

 

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Apologies and Big Sisters

The very first thing I would like to discuss is the fact that I was absent for a couple of months from the blog. Please accept my sincerest of apologies. It was never my intent to stay away from the blog for so long! I want to stay up to date and current with this blog…but for some reason it slipped by the wayside. Bummer! Every day passed and here and again I’d think of the blog and I wasn’t going to start a post, such as I am this morning…gosh is it REALLY 4 AM?? I’d get a post in my head, and I’d head towards the computer and as fast as I’d get the idea….something would happen to divert my attention and “poof”……the moment was gone. Anyways….I am saying please forgive me for being away for so long and I hope some of you are still “with me” holding onto hope that I’d be back….while there are sure to be others that have given up hope and abandoned ship altogether. I sure hope those who did so, have a moment of clarity and at least once, decide to check back and see that I’m back to blogging! Thanks to those of you who stuck it out and have been patiently waiting for my return. Well….to that I say…..”I’m back , and hope to keep going strong!”

I’m Back!! So sorry to have been gone so long foks!

Now onto more exciting things going on in our corner of the world. We are on a sort of vacation. I am not sure I’d call it “vacation” per se….but we are out of town to visit my older daughters, who happen to be MM’s older sisters. MM doesn’t know his big sisters very well…but he loves them so much nonetheless and they him. These are my daughters from a previous marriage. They live with their dad in a different state, many many miles from us. I HATE that they live so far away from us, from me. I cry so much because I miss them terribly. But I have accepted this as the way it is and am moving forward to be the best mama I can be for MM’s sake. As I write these words in a dimly lit room in the middle of the night (very early wee early morning), my guys are snoring in the background. It is peaceful to me….to hear them sleeping so soundly. And to be honest…..I’m a wee bit jealous wishing that I could sleep that easily! MM is in the opposite bed…..I keep looking over at him……and I can’t help but smile at his curled up body….gently curled underneath the warmth of the blankets that keep him warm. And then there’s myself…wow, what can I say about an over-tired soul anxiously awaiting her daughters arrival this afternoon!?

Come on girls…I can’t hold out for much longer…it’s been WAY too long since our last REAL ((HUG))!!!

I want to catch up on what MM has been doing for the past few months. We have been working very hard on a few things. One such thing is “impulse control” or really the lack thereof. I, too, have noticed a BIG difference in him when it comes to handeling getting upset over small things. He will quickly get upset, knock down the blocks and then builds again. Munchkin man (MM) got his hair cut on Friday and I must mention that he was incredibly MUCH MORE sensitive to those things around him. The scissors were bothering him each time they cut into his hair. The loose hair after his hair cut was ALL over the place. I grabbed a tissue from the opened box and wiped off as much of the hair that was all over his face, chest, etc. MM’s skin is extremely sensitive…hence the issues with his diagnosis of SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder. I remember all too well when MM first came home to us (from another Country), and when we took him to get his hair cut. After I see she was trying to let it grow out for a reason….lol. Getting MM a hair cut early on was truly a nightmare for all of us….especially MM  but ..it was a “necessary ‘evil'” one might say!” I cried every single time I had to hold him down in order to get his hair cut. It was horrible! Dh and I actually had to physically “restrain” him in order to get his hair cut. At the time, we had NO IDEA he suffered with the SPD diagnosis. If we had. We’d of certainly done much better in the encourgement department! As it is right now….MM is MUCH better about getting his hair cut, that is…..until this past week. Every time the hairdresser touched  him…it tickled more than a “normal” tickle, and the loose hairs that were falling off his head were driving him crazy…yep…too tickely!!! The hairdresser had an idea……she took her blowdryer and tried to “blow” the loose hairs off! And, any of you reading this who have kiddos with SPD KNOW that will never work because the SPD kiddos cannot tolerate the blowdryer. For one, it’s too noisy, and another reason is the sensation is just “too much”. The hairdresser apologized and said that she does so many ppl’s hair that it’s hard to remember everyone’s likes and dislikes….but she tries and is wonderful with MM. I really do appreciate her!!

Hey there Mr. Hairdryer…..I will not let you win this time! Oh no! Think again!

Well….I’m going to go try to get some shut-eye for a little bit anyways. Thanks again for hanging in there with me!

Blessings to you and your children

~Mama249

 

Vaca Here We Come!!!

We leave in the morning for vacation!!!! It’s about time, too! We are sooo ready to go! There is one problem though…..MM has a birthday coming in a couple weeks and he’s getting upset about it already.

He keeps telling me that he’s “NOT going to turn 5 and I mean it!” as he stomps his feet and runs off to his room or wherever. You see, he’s so afraid, no, actually he’s terrified of starting school that he doesn’t want to turn 5. Our children live with so many fears.  So many it is hard to keep count.

I won’t be writing much tonight since I’ve much to do even at this late hour. I am sorry about that…..but it is what it is.

I wouldn’t let MM up from the table until everyone was finished because dinner time is family time….even if he’s sulking….lol.

MM kept “pushing” his plate away. I insisted he keep his plate in front of him since he kept calling it “nasty!”  AND I honestly only gave him a tad more than a TBS full.

This vacation is going to prove quite interesting I’m sure of it. IT’s going to be very interesting to say the least and I’m sure all the campers around us are going to be calling 911 because of all the screaming that will be happening.

 

Blessings to you and your children…..

Mama249

Not to Be “Corny”……

Our food battles continue……I’m tellin’ ya….my son is persistent! Tonight I made one of his favorites:

Yep…..good ‘ole Hamburger Helper. I gotta continue to make something that he’ll eat so that he does eat dinner sometimes, ya know.  But…yep….there’s a but in this story…..I also had corn on the side (frozen….it tastes SO much better than canned). He saw his plate…..1 TBS of each on it…..and he immediately threw his head back and started in on the whining. I calmly stated to him that he can have more of the Hamburger Helper when he eats all that is on his plate. He whined a couple more minutes saying that he’s “scared to try it.” I told MM that I was there with him, what could I do to help?

Most likely, if he were older and thought of it…he’d of said, “Mommy, you can help me by taking this corn off my plate!” LOL.

After a few minutes of the whining….he said, “Oh, all right,” in the tone you can imagine when a child says this very thing. He asked if I’d feed it to him because he was scared. Certainly will dear one! If I can get him to start eating vegetables, sure, heck yeah….I’ll feed it to him!

He tasted the corn…..with some spray butter on it…..and he actually said he liked it. But then the next bite he said he didn’t. He kept asking me to put spray butter on the corn…..I put it on once and it would’ve been swimming in spray butter if I’d of put on how much he requested!!!!

He ATE THE WHOLE TBS of corn!!!!! I am so proud of him and told him so. He ran into our bedroom, where dh was sleeping (midnights tonight) after hearing him move around in there. MM was SO excited to tell daddy that he actually ate his corn!!!!! Daddy’s eyes were wide with delight.

I see a light now…..a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s still off far in the distance as I know we’ve got a huge battle on our hands. It’s our own faults…we let it go on too long. The fact that I’d make MM something different every single meal was outrageous. I have realized my fault in this and am taking charge, making a different plan, and meeting it head-on.

I spoke with a very dear friend of mine about this very thing earlier today. She stated that I need to stop giving him milk at meals because he’s “filling up on milk” thus not hungry enough to eat what is on his plate. She also stated that I should only be giving him water between meals…..so he’s nourished but yet will not be filling up on “good ‘ole Gatorade,” and other sugary stuff. No Snacks at all for at least a month. MM gets 2 snacks a day…….no more for now. He will be able to “earn” his milk & Gatorade back…..when he eats what is on his plate……but not for every meal otherwise he’ll expect it.

This path is a tough one…..but again…..I see the light!!!

 

Blessings to you and your children….

Mama249

 

Who Reigns in This Household? It’s All About Control!

One thing I’ve learned, of the many things I’m learning, is that RAD kiddos want “control” of their environments…TOTAL control. This is not out of a deep desire, rather it is out of survival. Survival from their traumas. The Rad kiddos have been so hurt and had little to NO control over anything in their lives….that now, in order for them to “survive,” they feel a need to control the very thing that want you and I to control.

 

Sounds contradictory, yes, but it is just like the RAD kiddo wants to feel close and love us….but they cannot yet, they cannot out of survival, what if they lose us as well? Their hearts can only take so much. Their brains can only process so much.

 

The signs and Symptoms of RAD are as follows:

~Superficially engaging and charming, particularly around strangers or those who they feel they can manipulate

~Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent’s terms

~Problem making eye contact, except when angry or lying

~A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as they get older

~Hypervigilant

~Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things

~Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues

~Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times

~Trouble understanding cause and effect

~Poor impulse control

~Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith

~Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience

~Cruelty to animals

~Lying for no apparent reason

~False allegations of abuse

~Destructive to property or self

~Stealing

~Constant chatter; nonsense questions

~Abnormal speech patterns; uninterested in learning communication skills

~Developmental and/or learning delays

~Fascination with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil; will usually make the bad choice

~Problems with food; eiher hoarding it or refusing to eat

~Concerned about details, but ignoring the main issue

~Few or no long term friends; tends to be a loner

~Attitude of entitlement and self-importance

~Sneaks things without permission even if he could have had themb asking

~Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other

~A darkness behind the eyes when raging

 

As you can see in the list above, there are many that your child may exhibit, and yet others they don’t. MM has a great majority of them….but not all. The one I want to point out in this post is:

~A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as they get older

When I very first went through the list…I was shaking my head “yes” and thinking, “Wow, someone has all this together and knows what the heck they’re talking about because that sounds exactly like my son! Discouraging as it is, it was good to know what we’re dealing with so we know where to go from that point forward.

CONTROL…..wow…..does MM ever try to control every aspect of his daily living and the environment around him. There was one particular time that I honestly cannot remember what it was about…..something trivial I’m sure……that I told MM, “You’re not the one in Control, Mommy and Daddy are.” MM immediately retorted with, “Oh YES I AM IN CONTROL!” I calmly….that is key….to remain calm…it not only doesn’t esculate the situation, but teaches your child who is actually in control and also how to act in a given situation….told MM that he “is a kiddo and you can just be a kiddo, you don’t need to be in control anymore. Mommy and daddy have this covered. You can trust us. We won’t let anything happen to you, honey. You’re safe with us. You can just be a kiddo and have fun. Ppl who are in control have so many things that need to be done and you don’t need to worry about that yet.” You won’t believe what happened next….mind you, MM is only 4…..He said to me, “I can’t let it (control) go. I’m too scared to let it go!” I held him immediately and reassured MM that it was going to be ok and that Mommy and Daddy would help him to let go of it. He cried and cried. I’m telling you…..this is amazing that he was able to articlute this!!!!

 

It is easier said than done, right. I can say all I want…..”It’s time to let go…..(it will be ok)” and I can believe it to my very soul…but the one that really has to believe it is our kiddos. Be patient with them……their traumas were so much so that they don’t know how to live any other way……it is up to us to teach them…..all along the way to healing.

 

Blessings to you and your children….

Mama249

 

Anger, Sadness…..are They One in the Same?

I have broached this subject many times in my mind. Anger is really sadness in disguise. Truely it is with our RAD kiddos. If you haven’t heard of Bryan Post (who I think is great….if you’ve not heard of him…..please do yourself a favor and look him up online)…..he has many Free Webinars throughout the year, will e-mail you free articles on various subjects, and has a great blog. I think some of you may find him very helpful. Some won’t like him at all……that is the way it always is. We all have our opinions and what works best for our children…..but I believe we OWE it to our children to at least “SEE” what is available out there and then make an educated decision on what works for ya’ll. Anyways……Bryan Post says, “All negative behavior occurs from an unconscious state. We first respond from our unconscious at the body level, BEFORE it is processed in our mind. This fear reaction then influences our ability to be responsive….Fear sees problems and Love sees solutions.” Bryan Post is big on there are 2 primary emotions: Love and Fear. Everything stems from one of those two.

I can see his point. When my MM gets upset and starts raging, he’s acting out of a FEAR state which looks an awful lot like Anger to me and all around him. I have said it before and will continue to…..I (we) use the Holding Technique…to calm MM…..and it works, it really works. Some ppl I’ve read say to let them get it “out of their systems” and spend time “alone” because the child is causing havoc on the rest of the family……so in other words….go away until you feel you can be a respectful part of our family!! Seriously!? Are they really really serious that they (the parents) think that time “ALONE” (when they suffer from attachment disorders and NEED more closeness for healing to begin) and letting them “get it out of their systems” on their very OWN….will do anything towards their true Felt Safety and Healing. Rather, I strongly believe and feel convicted to….the Holding Technique, Loving eyes ALL the time, and helping my child figure out what is REALLY going on inside…..not just reacting to the behavior. If I were to simply just react towards the behavior…..then I’d be upset, MM would continue to be upset, never get to the root of what is causing the grief and sadness (meltdown or rage), or  aide in his healing one iota!

I mentioned in my last paragraph, that I see Bryan Post’s point….This fear state my child gets into causes him so much grief, sadness and instability in his thinking. This all stems from TRAUMA. Trauma is an ugly thing. I wish I could take away all of MM’s traumas and throw them in the burn pile……let the smoke of his sadness rise upwards……leaving his tiny heart forever. I love the metaphor of the smoke rising…..we always envision that God is someplace “up”…..and I see this smoke as being lifted by the very hands of God through our hard work towards healing. It’s all about the baby steps…..we cannot expect much to happen right away, to the contrary….he will fight it tooth and nail! As a matter of fact…..RAD kiddos are about CONTROL. One day a few weeks or so ago, MM was in a rage and I held him until he calmed and he melted into my shoulder, playing with my hair.  Then we talked……about Control……he said…..without ANY prompting from me at all……that he is the one in control and after my saying that he’s just a kiddo and needs to be a kid….not have all this control that is scary and unpredictable, he said, “I am afraid to let go of the control and I don’t know how to let it go.” I cried (or at least had tears in my eyes) praising him for telling the truth about what he feels inside. I truly feel his healing will be easier in that aspect because he can verbalize it. Praise God.

We (the counselor, dh and I) all see progress being made with MM. He’s making small steps toward that healing place where he won’t have to hide behind the shield of Anger…..to let go of his sadness….or to make peace with it, at least. When I say, Let go of the sadness, I truly believe this will always be with him……he’ll just be better equipped to deal with it….and to look it straight in the eyes and say….NOT TODAY….you’re not stealing my joy today!!!!

Blessings to you and your children…..

Mama249