Handwriting Without What? Oh You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me?!

I’m pretty sure y’all know that Munchkin Man started school at a regular Public School for about 7 weeks and it JUST DID NOT WORK, right?! There was A LOT of knashing of teeth, wailing, and boy oh boy, was there a bunch of kicking, spitting, hitting and nasty words hailed at Mama!

Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Buddha
Well, MM was “holding it in” as they say, at school and literally EXPLODING when he got home…completely at ME. The reason? Because he said, and I’m telling you the honest to God truth, these are his words….not mine and I’ve NEVER EVER given him a hint of any of this…this ALL came from him. He felt like a “Volcano was erupting inside of him” while at school and he “could actually FEEL it” in his body. It would start at his feet and then end up at his head by the end of the day. He could really FEEL this!!!! How horrid for a 5 year old to have this feeling ALL day long!!!!!! He’d come home, and couldn’t hold it in any longer, EXPLODE on Mama, and all holy heck broke loose! That was all she wrote! Then, when MM and I would talk about it after he’d be completely calm…..he’d say….”Mommy, you’re not fixing it! I’m hurting and you’re not fixing it!” Can you ever, ever hear your child tell you something like that and NOT cry, want to scoop them up and want to fix their every hurt and pain?!  Well, I sure did!
My son was screaming out at me:
I was between a rock and a hard place, too. I had to convince dh that homeschool was the place for MM. After MANY MANY MANY tears, trials and tribulations, it happened..dh saw what was going on. I posted about it in my last post. So…thankfully, homeschool it would be…PHEW!
Here we are now…a few weeks later….and where are we? Gosh, where the heck do I begin? Well, I think I’ll begin tonight with my title….Handwriting Without What? You’ve Got to be Kidding Me!!
I chose an Online Homeschool Program….one that I NOW regret immensly…..for US…..because of it’s extremely RIGIDand outlandish requirements that our particular State doesn’t EVEN require!!!!!! But that is another story that I refuse to go into. This particular program may work beautifully for someone else’s child/ren….but HOLY COW, GEEZ LOUISE…..NOT MY CHILD!!!!!!!!!
First and foremost….we were having an amazing first day of Homeschool! I welcomed him with a great Bulletin Board…which I cannot show you, because of pictures, I know y’all understand, right, complete w/ plenty of First day stuff…..his first day picture, our weather today, etc. It REALLY  is a wicked cool bulletin board, too!!!!! So, we’re pluggin’ along w/ our schoolwork and he’s doing WONDERFUL, and even calls daddy at snacktime, telling him “I LOVE Homeschool, daddy! We’re having fun doing xyz!” Then, right after the phone call…WHAM……it all came crashing to a total HALT…..
Handwriting time came and Munchkin Man (MM) had ALREADY totally learned one complete way of writing while at home with Mama AND at regular school and now, this new online program used the progam called “Handwriting Without Tears”…..he was going to have to TOTALLY re-learn a NEW way of writing……HUH?!
Ok….so they call this “program”…..”Handwriting WITHOUT Tears?” LOLOLOL….believe me….I’m NOT really laughing…..I’m dying and crying inside for my child…my FIVE year old son who is having a GREAT first day of Homeschooling and TOLD me in his OWN words…..”Finally, mommy, you fixed it!”
Now….he has to re-learn this crap?! Are you stinkin’ kidding me?! Well, when he SAW this…he had a complete meltdown…..a total meltdown. The day was DONE….and I mean done! I’ve NOT been able to teach him since!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gosh….that was, what, Sept. 17 and today is the 24th!!!!!!!! He has become increasingly angry….and BOY do I ever mean angry!!!! I’ll post about that in a later post….this is enough for this one post!!
My loving boy is lost….blown away in the wind…..the Fall is here…..and I can only guess that his loving spirit blew away with the warmth of summer’s memory. The crisp, cold dew settles on the grass in the early morn….just as the crispness of his heart barely wraps his gentle arms around my neck any longer. Where has my loving boy gone? Why did School take his heart? Why did you not believe me when I knew this would happen so long ago?
I want my little boy back!!!! I’m crying inside and out!!!!
Blessings to you and your children…..
Mama249

The New School….Homeschool!

Phew! It has been one whirlwind of a ride here at our home! Lil man has been home just short of 4 years now. It has taken him up till just 7 months ago to be able to tell me that he loves me ON HIS OWN without my saying it first! He’d come up to me and say ever so sweetly, “Mommy, I love you SO MUCH!” and he’d hug me SO TIGHTLY! I loved it so much as those of you who have kiddos with this kind of trauma know, it takes so much for them to trust us, to truly attach to us. to get to that point where they can BEGIN to heal….they MUST trust SOMEONE first BEFORE they can begin to truly start to heal. Well, it finally happened 7 months ago! Now mind you, he has NEVER been able to do this with ANYONE else, not even daddy, which hurt daddy to the core! Then, yep, school was coming. I could see changes beginning to happen to him. Somewhat subtly, and then somewhat suddenly in some instances.

His daddy was working SO MUCH Overtime that he was not seeing as much as I was seeing….so I tried as best I could to let him be aware of what lil man was trying to “let us know” through his behaviors. Did you know that I’ve since learned that Behaviors are actually a form of COMMUNICATION!!!! Think about it!!! I mean it….really think about it!!!!! When things are going well, what do our children’s behavior’s tell us?

Exactly! Then…he began “drowning” as I’ll call it….k. He was slipping fast and falling further and further away from the “trust” we’d worked SO HARD to build over the past 3.5 YEARS!!! I knew in my heart of hearts that lil man was NOT emotionally ready for Regular school, but my dh had to see it for his own eyes….no matter what I said or did…..dh just had to. I had to let it happen….no matter HOW MUCH I knew in my heart it was going to hurt lil man, if I wanted dh on board with this. It KILLED me…but worst of all..I knew it was going to kill a part of lil man. I don’t want anyone..and I mean anyone…to be upset with my dh for being like this. This is how he rolls so to speak. IF I had insisted that I Homeschooled off the bat….and dh had went ahead and let me….he’d of “never known” in his OWN HEART that he had done what HE BELIEVED in HIS HEART what was in the best interest for OUR son. Remember this….this is OUR son….not my son…not his son….OUR SON. NO matter how much I’ve studied and have been the one to go to the counseling sessions with lil man….dh had to know in HIS heart in HIS time…..that he’d done all he could do. Well, that time came the other night when lil man finally said something that dropped me literally to my knees!!!

We have a LONG, drawn-out bed time ritual that we do every, single night that includes lullaby’s and bed-time stories, lots of rocking (per lil mans choice of who rocks him that particular night), just to make lil man feel lots and lots of love….lots and lots of just knowing that mommy and daddy will ALWAYS be there for him. Lil man is VERY VERY fearful at night. Hence the bedtime ritual. When a child has experienced so much trauma at a very early age in their life….night time usually is EXCEPTIONALLY fearful for them. Lil man is NO exception. He always starts out in his own bed and then at some point in the night, wakes up screaming, always for mommy, and then gets into bed with us for the rest of the night. Now, the ONLY exception to this is IF daddy is working night shift: lil man immediately comes to bed with mommy at bedtime or if daddy is night-time fishing then the same happens. Lil man LOVES those nights as you can imagine!

Now…back to what dropped me to my knees the other night that helped dh see why Lil man really NEEDS to be homeschooled and NOT in a regular Public School any longer!! I was half-laying on the edge of Lil man’s bed and holding him sorta like a baby (he loves this). He was ALMOST asleep, where he’s really most honest at moments like this too! He tells Me (mommy) EVERYTHING really…NO ONE ELSE…not daddy…no one. I’m the ONLY person he really trusts in this WHOLE world…Really! This is why what he said to me that particular night shook my world to the very core! I said, as I do EVERY night, “Mommy loves you SO MUCH! You know that!” He then shook his head, “no” and closed his eyes, and said, “Not anymore!” I was taken aback and ALMOST cried immediately but really held it in to find out what he meant!!!! Believe me….THAT was HARD to DO!

So…I held him close….leaned in and asked, “Honey, you REALLY don’t KNOW that mommy loves you!?” He again, shook his head, “no” and said, “Not anymore.” I asked, “Why?” He said, and mind you, he’s been saying these words MANY MANY times daily since starting school, “Because you’re not ‘fixing it’ like I keep telling you.” I was so sad and broken-hearted at that moment! I could ONLY think of my poor child who ONLY trusts ME….and NOW he thinks that the ONLY person he TRUSTS in this entire WORLD now he does NOT think even LOVES him!!!!! All because I’m not “fixing his feelings he gets WHILE AT SCHOOL!” I was almost livid to be honest!!!! Yes, at dh. To have not listened up to this point. I couldn’t WAIT to go tell him what our son had just said NOW!! What was it going to take for dh to see what OUR son was screaming for help!? Anyways…..I held Lil man and assured him that I WOULD “fix it”!!! He then drifted off to sleep. I headed to our room and quickly told dh what our son said….

DH sat there silently. I expected more. But dh was taking it all in. By morning he told me I was right and we “WERE doing the right thing by Homeschooling Lil man”!!!! FINALLY!!!! Gosh….PHEW!!!! Like I asked before…don’t judge if you’re not here. ok. Don’t judge my dh if you don’t know him. I’m just letting you know MY struggles to get OUR son to be homeschooled. My DH had to see it with HIS own eyes. That is how he has to process it. I had to accept it, as hard as it was. I could see it plain as the nose on my face. BUT I’m here with Lil man MUCH MORE than DH is. I go to the Counseling sessions with Lil man. Lil Man trusts me…not daddy, do Lil man tells me things I cannot tell daddy, out of sheer consideration for our trust-pact we have w/ each other. I simply CANNOT break that with Lil Man!!! I won’t and daddy TOTALLY gets that!!!!!!

Anyways…..Lil Man is finishing out the week at Regular Public School. He doesn’t really WANT to….but he needs to say good-bye to his friends + he needs to transistion into this. We would NEVER just pull him out. NEVER. His first day of Homeschool is Monday, Sept. 17, 2012. Keep Lil Man in your thoughts and prayers, k. He’ll need them but I really think he’ll be fine. His FIRST words the morning after I told him were, “YEAH! My first day of Homeschool!” I had to remind him that he still had 3 more days of regular school left yet. He didn’t like that, but once realized, was fine w/ it.  We’ll be ok. My shipment of supplies is scheduled to arrived TODAY via UPS!!! I truly cannot wait to receive them!!!!!!!

I’m thrilled to get a desk ready for him and I’ll try to post more this weekend about his adjustment to his last day of school once it hits him. Then once Homeschool gets here..and yes….I’m going to Co-op to keep him in touch with other kiddos as I truly feel socialization is KEY….I’ll let y’all know how he’s adjusting to that.

Blessings to you and your children!

Mama249

My Facelift!!

I thought I’ve give the blog a “facelift”!!! I adore anything pink…..and I mean anything. My dh thinks I own too much pink in my wardrobe….lol. AND when I “accidentially” wear pink on top AND bottom…..he calls me a “Pink Nightmare”!! He’s gonna love this facelift of mine….he’s going to say….”figures it’d be pink!” Speaking of which….time to change purses to my Guess one with the pink in it…LOL!! It is Spring around the corner ya know!!

Speaking of “Spring around the corner,” it is snowing and I mean snowing hard out as I type these words. We had tornado warnings 2 days this past week….TWO DAYS of them…..that is insane. One of the days was really awful. Myself and MM went to my MIL’s house and camped out in her cellar for the duration of the storm. Funny thing is….they have a potato bin (farmers in the family) and there is dirt on the top of it where the potatoes are first laid……lil Munchkin Man brought his magnet Thomas the Train down with him to Grandma’s and was in HEAVEN when he discovered the dirt! It was so stinkin’ funny that when the storm had passed and it was time to go home…..MM didn’t want to leave…you guessed it…..because he wanted to continue playing in the dirt!!! LOL…boys!!!!

The Food Battle continues……on and on and on. He’s is a presistent lil bugger. One of these days, he’ll try something new. Tonight we had Chicken ‘n Dumpling’s and he wouldn’t even try it. He shoved his plate away saying “It Stinks!!” Oh well…..BUT we have a rule that Dinner time is family time…..all of us stay at the table until the last person finishes their dinner. THEN and only then can anyone be excused. He despises this…..saying that if he’s not eating, he shouldn’t have to sit there. Guess again sweetie pie!

Daddy worked a bunch of hours over the past few days so it was just MM and myself at bedtime tonight. We read about 4-5 stories on the iPad/Kindle app. I love that I can view all my Kindle purchases on the iPad…..they’re in color! Woo Hoo!!! I’ve been reading all MM’s children’s books to him in black and white…..kinda reminds me of my childhood where we only had a black & white Television. I had to “guess” what color clothes ppl had on…..that was kinda fun actually….using my immagination. BUT once we got color…..holy cow…..the whole TV WORLD opened up, didn’t it!?

I kinda see MM like that…..when he first came home, he was in black & white…..he hardly smiled. He had a blank face..no emotion on it at all in a lot of the pictures I took. I imagined him in “color”…..full of laughter and vivid!!! Yes…that is it…VIVID.

Then as he’s grown and we’ve grown through this process…..I see him more in color now. He’s more VIVID…..more willing to let us in. He has a wonderful smile…..and so many of the pictures I take….have so much personality in them!!!!! By no means am I saying that we don’t have a ways to go yet….man o man do we ever!!! But we’re getting there…..step by baby step.

And just what is our “BIG DREAM?” Total healing for MM. For MM to be able to trust, to not be so incredibly fearful, to be able to let go and just love without worry, to dream…..those incredible dreams kiddos have.

My life….my purpose is for him…..for MM. I know that I must take care of myself so that I can take care of MM….yes. But I mean….that I stay up late at nights…searching for answers…..answers that will be the ONE…you know….the one that will help. The one that will be an “Aha!” I will try that and see if it works…and it does!! That is my goal. Each and every single day….every breath I take….is for my family whom I adore. I wouldn’t trade this life for any other…..God entrusted us with MM….He trusted we would do what is best by him…..and take care of him…..and find him the best counselor…..the best of everything. We try, and try and try. We also fall sometimes…..that is ok…..we pick ourselves up, forgive and carry on.

My Dream….is his dream……to be able to dream peacefully. To live peacefully. To love peacefully.

 

Blessings to you and your children…..

Mama249

I Won’t Give Up on You!

The last two days have been hard…..hard on MM and hard on me trying to figure out his triggers. MM was soooo crabby that it was horrible. It was almost constant.

MM is “usually” more happy go lucky than having a hard time with his rages and SPD, but not the last couple days…..phew. Is it something in the air? Is there a Full Moon? Whatever the case may be, he was not a happy lil guy.

Really strange, but on Saturday night, we took MM to see a Monster Truck show (without prior purchase of tickets) so we stood in line for QUITE some time. There was a lady 3 ppl up for us who asked if anyone wanted to purchase the tickets she had JUST purchased….strange, right? Well, her reason was none of the seats were together! Uh, no thanks…..this is family time and that means family sits together! We were just discussing that we may have to break the bad news to MM shortly as it appeared no seats together were available any longer……when we heard a loud voice come across telling us that the place had JUST SOLD OUT!! Sorry, thanks for coming he said! Uh…..we paid for parking (a ridiculous amount I might add), and now we just stood in line to have to tell our RAD child that we had to turn around and go home?! Oh boy! I was, to say the least, a bit nervous. We decided to go to the next building and check out what was going on with the crowd over there. THANK the good Lord above……there was more “stuff” going on that we could check out!! It was hilarious…..but MM told us he was having “fun!” Oh YES!!!!!! He understood that the Monster Trucks SOLD OUT……and he was “OK” with it. He is making strides for sure because this would’ve sent him into a tailspin a year ago or so. On the way home, MM stated, “This was the BEST day ever!”

Are you serious, I thought?! I was estatic that he was able to take a “hard” situation and turn it into the “BEST day ever!”

We got home…..that is when it all hit the fan. Bedtime is ALWAYS hard and it is ALWAYS a battle. MM started to melt down….quickly I might add. He was stiffening his body so that we couldn’t have him go to the bathroom before bed. He was in full rage mode. I sat with him in his room (just as I do every night) until he finally fell asleep.

Then came Sunday……Boy oh Boy was he crabby! And mean! Now….I know with every fiber of my being that RAD kiddos go through this…..but it doesn’t make it easier on either of us. I just trudged through the day…..doing lots of holding! Poor kiddo.

On Monday, he awoke with a furry……he was not over whatever was going on with him. We had a day much like that of Sunday.

The above picture is almost exactly what MM looked like for those 2 days…….phew…..poor kiddo.

NOw we’re here on Wednesday…..whatever it was that was either bothering him, or just was causing the tailspin, is over. I must say that during that couple days, MM decided he was NOT going to drink Milk any more and was going to strictly drink Gatorade. Uh, no you’re not. No matter how much I talked to him or anything…..he FLAT OUT refused to drink!! I mean ANYTHING until I gave him what he wanted. I was NOT going there and letting him control the house. I AM the boss…..I MAKE the rules (along with daddy naturally), not my RADish. I’m happy to report that his “fast” for milk and all drinks only lasted 2 days……he drank, of all things…..4 big glasses of Milk yesterday! I was thrilled…..he is still using a sippy cup for most drinking…..he doesn’t want to give it up. He said that the sippy cup doesn’t “allow air to touch his milk and THAT was the trouble! HHhhhhmmmmm….ok. So long as he got through it. He was glad to drink all that milk in his opened top Thomas the Train cup. Go figure.

Today is the first day of February! I’m thrilled because that means that Spring is not that far away! I adore Spring and all its splendor, the gorgeous flowers…..the budding trees……the occasional rain shower (I don’t like ALL the rain……just some of it)…..and the general awakening of “life” as it is. It is our opportunity to take a look at ourselves and say……”wow, I’d love more beauty in my life!” Plus the fact that I’m an beginner photographer (insert the fact that I’m still learning a lot) and Spring shows much opportunity for myself and my trusty Olympus E-Pl1. I had received it a tad over a year ago…..for my birthday……it is the best gift I can imagine…to be creative…..to chronicle MM’s growing up…..and to look back at the many memories that exist in photographs. I must admit……I’m addicted to taking photos…..seriously addicted!!

Blessings to you and your children…….

Mama249

 

 

These Words Should Never be Uttered by a Four Year Old

Tonight MM and his daddy were playing flashlight all through the house, going from room to room, looking at our house in a whole new “light”….no pun intended. They were having a blast……Daddy would hide an item and then MM would take his trusty flashlight and look all over for it. Well, MM decided he’d rather play “Thomas the Train” in the middle of their games……with MM being Thomas (as usual). Daddy tried to convince MM that they could finish their game first. No go there….he wanted to BE Thomas.

 

And when I say, “He wanted to BE Thomas,” I wasn’t kidding. MM pretends to be Thomas the Train all day long. He chugs along the house moving his arms as if they were his rails moving his wheels…..to which he always refers to his feet as “Wheels.” Then I heard something that shook me to my core……..

“I don’t want to be MM.”

“I want to be Thomas.”

Daddy was expaining as best he thought about he loves MM, not Thomas…..Mommy loves MM, not Thomas. I quickly came downstairs to ascertain the situation.

I outstretched my arms and asked MM gently to “come here sweetheart.” He immediately came to me, let me hold him and he rested his head upon my shoulder. He had the saddest look on his face.

I asked him, “Why don’t you want to be MM?”

“I just don’t.”

This went on for a few minutes.

I started to guide him in his thoughts as sometimes it’s hard to say the words for the RAD kiddos….they know it, but they are afraid to say it.

I asked, “Do you not like MM?”

Shaking his head “no”, “Uh uh.”

“Why honey…..tell me what is the one thing you don’t like the most about being MM.”

“That I can’t be Thomas. That is who I want to be. I don’t like being MM.”

I tell you this…..I wanted to cry for my son at that very moment…..but Knew I needed to stay strong for him……I continued on….

He continued, “I don’t like how I feel.”

I said, “Oh, because you get those feelings inside that you don’t understand?”

“Yes,” he said.

I went on to explain to him that we all have feelings inside of us that we don’t understand and we aren’t sure what to do with. He lit up somewhat.

“Do you not like MM when you get into trouble?”

Shaking head emphatically, “NO! I don’t like it when that happens. I want to be Thomas.”

I stated that everyone gets in trouble, even mommies and daddies. Everyone…..he’s not alone.

His entire demeanor changed at this point. His lil head lifted, his eyes got that sparkle back, and he asked,

“What did you do to get into trouble?”

I explained a few things…..and a few things about daddy…..everyone.

He hugged me.

He said he didn’t really feel a lot better about it and still didn’t want to be MM, but it is a start…….

My heart is broken in a million pieces…………….

 

My son, my son……do not despair……..we’ll get there……we’ll get there someday…….to where you like yourself……and you want to play with other kiddos…..and you finally understand all those jumbled up feelings going on inside of you. I’m here……I’m not going anywhere, my son……..I love you, my son.

 

Blessings to you and your children…..

Mama249

 

I Simply Cannot Sleep, Although MM is Sleeping Soundly in His Own Bed!

Somebody pinch me! No seriously, pinch me! My lil guy is STILL in his own bed and it’s almost 6:30 AM!! This is unheard of in our house! My poor lil fella is so scared of his room……especially the closet and the dark…….that he simply cannot stay in his room a full night without calling out to Mama (he always calls for me) to come and get him & carry him safely to our bed.

It is a rule here that he at least has to start out in his own bed….which he balks at every night….then upon waking in the night, he certainly may come stay in our room and finish sleeping in our bed. I spoke with MM’s counselor about this and she said that this arrangement we have will create boundaries….necessary ones….and that she says it’s ok to have him co-sleep the remainder of the night.

It never fails…..somewhere between 12-2:30 am……he awakens screaming for me…..and I rush down to him and scoop him gently into my loving arms and comfort him, drawing him close, saying to him so that he knows he’s “safe now, mama’s here, it’s ok now.” He nestles his head into my shoulder, tucking his arms into his own chest (presumably to keep warm? Or he doesn’t want to hug me? I really don’t know what the answer is on that one), and breathing a sigh of relief…..as if he’s saying…..yes, Mama, I know you’re here now, I’m safe. Thank you, mama.

BUT…..this night…..last night into this morning……he didn’t do any of this. Boy am I a proud mama! He’s either so stinkin’ tired he isn’t going to wake up even if I were on “The Gong Show” and just banged on the gong! Am I really showing my age here with that last remark!? OR…..he’s getting better about wanting to stay in his own bed. Well, I know better……it’s NOT the latter!! LOL!!  Here’s why I truly believe he’s not ready for that yet…….and it’s just a fluke…..

We have an elaborate bed-time ritual that starts with all of us (myself, dh and MM) on the couch in the front Living Room and we sing about 5 lullabys. Then he gets to choose either mama or daddy to rock him in the rocking chair for 3 more lullabys, which are the exact same every single night….he loves it. We then move into his room……where he proceeds to start to turn his ankles inward, as well as his wrists, saying (actually whining and crying) he doesn’t want to go to bed, that he’s scared. When I see him doing the inward turning of the wrists and feet…..I KNOW, without a doubt, that a meltdown is going to occur very soon!!! I’ve learned to see his cues and work with him there…..meet him where he’s at, ya know, and try to curb the meltdown to a small whimper if even that. Well, after that, he goes into his bed, gets covered up….and MUST MUST MUST have his feet wrapped in a “cocoon” which is what he calls it, but it is just wrapping his feet up tightly in the blanket. With his SPD issues, he’s a sensory seeker…..I’ll write a post soon dedicated to just that subject…..he longs to be wrapped tightly to receive the extra sensory stimulation. He can be so hot….in the summer even….but he wants that blanket on him with his feet wrapped! We all kiss and hug g’night……then it comes…..he is terrified of his room! Of being alone! That darn closet! The shadows in the room! We have 4 nightlights in his room along with the overhead light dimmed. He will ask (always asks for me) me to stay in his rom until he’s asleep. No problem, right? HA……he takes about 1 hour to fall asleep because he’s so afraid and knows that I’m leaving once he does……so he does all in his power to keep me there for as long as he can.

Phew…..that is EVERY night. I’m glad to be able to be there for my lil guy. If it is what helps him to feel safe….then I’m all for it.

Here we are….and it’s now almost 7am…STILL in his own bed!!!!! Yippee!!!! Let’s cross fingers for this happening more often than not. Huh? Nah, I don’t think it’ll be anytime soon either.

Blessings to you and your children….

Mama249