Tonight MM and his daddy were playing flashlight all through the house, going from room to room, looking at our house in a whole new “light”….no pun intended. They were having a blast……Daddy would hide an item and then MM would take his trusty flashlight and look all over for it. Well, MM decided he’d rather play “Thomas the Train” in the middle of their games……with MM being Thomas (as usual). Daddy tried to convince MM that they could finish their game first. No go there….he wanted to BE Thomas.
And when I say, “He wanted to BE Thomas,” I wasn’t kidding. MM pretends to be Thomas the Train all day long. He chugs along the house moving his arms as if they were his rails moving his wheels…..to which he always refers to his feet as “Wheels.” Then I heard something that shook me to my core……..
“I don’t want to be MM.”
“I want to be Thomas.”
Daddy was expaining as best he thought about he loves MM, not Thomas…..Mommy loves MM, not Thomas. I quickly came downstairs to ascertain the situation.
I outstretched my arms and asked MM gently to “come here sweetheart.” He immediately came to me, let me hold him and he rested his head upon my shoulder. He had the saddest look on his face.
I asked him, “Why don’t you want to be MM?”
“I just don’t.”
This went on for a few minutes.
I started to guide him in his thoughts as sometimes it’s hard to say the words for the RAD kiddos….they know it, but they are afraid to say it.
I asked, “Do you not like MM?”
Shaking his head “no”, “Uh uh.”
“Why honey…..tell me what is the one thing you don’t like the most about being MM.”
“That I can’t be Thomas. That is who I want to be. I don’t like being MM.”
I tell you this…..I wanted to cry for my son at that very moment…..but Knew I needed to stay strong for him……I continued on….
He continued, “I don’t like how I feel.”
I said, “Oh, because you get those feelings inside that you don’t understand?”
“Yes,” he said.
I went on to explain to him that we all have feelings inside of us that we don’t understand and we aren’t sure what to do with. He lit up somewhat.
“Do you not like MM when you get into trouble?”
Shaking head emphatically, “NO! I don’t like it when that happens. I want to be Thomas.”
I stated that everyone gets in trouble, even mommies and daddies. Everyone…..he’s not alone.
His entire demeanor changed at this point. His lil head lifted, his eyes got that sparkle back, and he asked,
“What did you do to get into trouble?”
I explained a few things…..and a few things about daddy…..everyone.
He hugged me.
He said he didn’t really feel a lot better about it and still didn’t want to be MM, but it is a start…….
My heart is broken in a million pieces…………….
My son, my son……do not despair……..we’ll get there……we’ll get there someday…….to where you like yourself……and you want to play with other kiddos…..and you finally understand all those jumbled up feelings going on inside of you. I’m here……I’m not going anywhere, my son……..I love you, my son.
Blessings to you and your children…..