I have broached this subject many times in my mind. Anger is really sadness in disguise. Truely it is with our RAD kiddos. If you haven’t heard of Bryan Post (who I think is great….if you’ve not heard of him…..please do yourself a favor and look him up online)…..he has many Free Webinars throughout the year, will e-mail you free articles on various subjects, and has a great blog. I think some of you may find him very helpful. Some won’t like him at all……that is the way it always is. We all have our opinions and what works best for our children…..but I believe we OWE it to our children to at least “SEE” what is available out there and then make an educated decision on what works for ya’ll. Anyways……Bryan Post says, “All negative behavior occurs from an unconscious state. We first respond from our unconscious at the body level, BEFORE it is processed in our mind. This fear reaction then influences our ability to be responsive….Fear sees problems and Love sees solutions.” Bryan Post is big on there are 2 primary emotions: Love and Fear. Everything stems from one of those two.
I can see his point. When my MM gets upset and starts raging, he’s acting out of a FEAR state which looks an awful lot like Anger to me and all around him. I have said it before and will continue to…..I (we) use the Holding Technique…to calm MM…..and it works, it really works. Some ppl I’ve read say to let them get it “out of their systems” and spend time “alone” because the child is causing havoc on the rest of the family……so in other words….go away until you feel you can be a respectful part of our family!! Seriously!? Are they really really serious that they (the parents) think that time “ALONE” (when they suffer from attachment disorders and NEED more closeness for healing to begin) and letting them “get it out of their systems” on their very OWN….will do anything towards their true Felt Safety and Healing. Rather, I strongly believe and feel convicted to….the Holding Technique, Loving eyes ALL the time, and helping my child figure out what is REALLY going on inside…..not just reacting to the behavior. If I were to simply just react towards the behavior…..then I’d be upset, MM would continue to be upset, never get to the root of what is causing the grief and sadness (meltdown or rage), or aide in his healing one iota!
I mentioned in my last paragraph, that I see Bryan Post’s point….This fear state my child gets into causes him so much grief, sadness and instability in his thinking. This all stems from TRAUMA. Trauma is an ugly thing. I wish I could take away all of MM’s traumas and throw them in the burn pile……let the smoke of his sadness rise upwards……leaving his tiny heart forever. I love the metaphor of the smoke rising…..we always envision that God is someplace “up”…..and I see this smoke as being lifted by the very hands of God through our hard work towards healing. It’s all about the baby steps…..we cannot expect much to happen right away, to the contrary….he will fight it tooth and nail! As a matter of fact…..RAD kiddos are about CONTROL. One day a few weeks or so ago, MM was in a rage and I held him until he calmed and he melted into my shoulder, playing with my hair. Then we talked……about Control……he said…..without ANY prompting from me at all……that he is the one in control and after my saying that he’s just a kiddo and needs to be a kid….not have all this control that is scary and unpredictable, he said, “I am afraid to let go of the control and I don’t know how to let it go.” I cried (or at least had tears in my eyes) praising him for telling the truth about what he feels inside. I truly feel his healing will be easier in that aspect because he can verbalize it. Praise God.
We (the counselor, dh and I) all see progress being made with MM. He’s making small steps toward that healing place where he won’t have to hide behind the shield of Anger…..to let go of his sadness….or to make peace with it, at least. When I say, Let go of the sadness, I truly believe this will always be with him……he’ll just be better equipped to deal with it….and to look it straight in the eyes and say….NOT TODAY….you’re not stealing my joy today!!!!
Blessings to you and your children…..