In my Thesaurus, “Mash” has other words to take it’s place such as: Crushed, mixed, battered and pounded, pulverized, bruised, and squashed. What is the FIRST thing or person that comes to your mind when you read those words? Be honest.
Before I tell you who I think of first, let me tell you a story that happened here just last night. I was putting MM to bed and he was having a particularly hard time with bedtime…..it terrifys him to pieces. I try everything I can to make it as comfortable and transition to it as easily as possible for him. You see, my lil MM is terrified of the closet in his room. He puts approximately 5-6 LARGE books in front of his face to ensure that when lying down, there is no possibility that he can see the said closet. His fear is real to him. To us, mommy and daddy, it may seem silly or unfounded…..but we MUST remember that our children come from a place of Trauma and nighttime is the time that brings about all their fears. They are seemingly “alone” to fight those fears…..head-on…..and it truly terrifies them all.
Our bedtime routine is LONG and Tiring to myself but I know in my heart of hearts that it will in the long run help MM be able to put aside those fears of say, his closet, and other such fears he faces at night. I mustn’t and should NEVER EVER think of myself and what I want or what I “Feel”..it is about MM and his healing!!!!! I have to be on my toes and always thinking of new ways to conquer the fears and the RAD & SPD. Always.
Back to the story…..I was sitting in MM’s room and scratching his back to help him relax and get to sleep. Somehow (and I don’t remember how it all got started) but MM got talking about who he loves, which isn’t very many ppl. I found out. He then said, I love you and daddy and grandma….and X and X. He said, “But, mommy, I love you right here (as he placed his hands in the lowest position) and daddy up here (highest position) and grandma is right by you, and X & X are up here between you and daddy!” Did ya’ll get that? I’m the lowest!! I, honestly, was stung a bit…..but truthfully understand that it is the Attachment and RAD talking….not MM. But the mommy heart….hurts. MM doesn’t trust me at all…..he keeps me at a distance and wants to love me…..but has been hurt so much that he doesn’t trust it yet….but I am determined that we’ll heal his hurting heart.
Now…for who I think of when I hear those words…..NO…..not myself in the least. I truly think of MM….he’s been through so much trauma that he feels pulverized, smashed, battered, crushed, pounded, etc. I cannot even fathom all that he’s been through in his short little life. But all he’s been through has caused him to be incredibly guarded of who he lets in. And mama ain’t one of ’em yet. Attachment challenged children cannot form a healthy attachment to anyone until they form the attachment to the mom. Think about it…..the reason for not being about to attach to the mom and it being so important to attach to the mom…..the mother was the one who relinquished them at birth. Very profound. I will never ever give up on MM…..no matter how low I rank.
Blessings to you and your children…..