What’s My Malfunction? Who Me?

Thursday was rough…..but what day isn’t when you’re dealing with a child who is RAD challenged?

Like I stated in my last post, Wednesday I flew to Cleveland to go to the Dr. I never got to see MM at all that day….although I did take that mama peek before I left while he was in peaceful slumber and blew him the most giantest kiss eva!! He looked like an angel. Curled up with his hands gently tucked into his chest. Knees slightly bent and his train blankie…..it was barely covering his cutest ever feet. I wanted to tip toe into his room, kiss the dimple on his face and whisper in his ear, “I love you sooo much Munchkin Man!!” But did I….no….I didn’t want to chance waking him because MM is the soundest sleeper I know. He can sleep through the dog barking loudly and repeatedly, the sound of the door opening and closing on the washer and dryer, and so many other “loud” to “semi-loud” noises…..BUT the sound of my gentle voice saying his name in the morning….THAT wakes him up! How cool is that? It is almost like we’re connected…..he is waiting for me. I know this isn’t the case….but it is a nice thought.

Back on subject…..lol…..It is too easy to talk about MM and how much I dearly love my kiddo!! Anyways, MM was not happy about not getting to see me that particular day I went to Cleveland and was in a way taking it out on me. He was especially clingy and whiney!! I know he just missed me….so I tried so hard to be incredibly theraputic. He needed me to be….so it was necessary. It wasn’t and never is about ME…..it’s about MM and his needs and his healing.

At breakfast, while he eats, I get on my laptop and check my e-mails, FB and such. It is sorta my time to wake up as well…..and then we have our time together afterwards. Well, MM didn’t like that at all…..he started crying and boo-hooing out of the blue. I went to him and held him for awhile. He calmed down and got back to eating. Never did I think for a second that my being on the laptop was what was wrong…..I was taking MORE time away from him. Then he asked me to come sit next to him and watch tv with him while he finishes up. Sure MM….anything.

I start to sit down and he pulls my chair as close as it could possibly be to his chair. And what did I do? Brought the danged laptop with me. That is when it started for real. He started getting mouthy, disrespectful, and angry. I figured it out…..us blondies take a bit to figure things out sometimes…..LOL…j/k…it was me and my attachment to the laptop that was the malfunction! Once I put it away….it was “ok”….not great, not wonderful, just “ok”. Then the phone rang….it was daddy….here we go again with the tears, the disrespectfulness, etc. He NEVER lets me be on the phone without him throwing a tantrum or something to revert the attention back to him. I’m hardly ever on the phone and when I am….all hell breaks loose. MM is longing for the attention, the one-on-one. I give him soo much time…..but it never is enough. I have talked with other RAD mom’s and they say their kiddos act the same way about the phone. Needless to say, Daddy hung-up since we could barely hear each other.

Why do we do these things? Put things before our children? I never thought I did….but I do. I was using the laptop…..I hadn’t used it in over 24 hours and it was like a drug…pulling me, calling my name. LOL. But…..honestly, who is MORE, MUCH MORE important? MM, naturally! I realized I needed to take a step back and think…really think about priorities. If I’m going to be the theraputic mama I desire to be…..I need to be present….not just present in body. I need to be there emotionally as well. I need to be prepared for all the things that fly (sometimes literally) around…..like when he’s starting to disregulate….I can do so much to stop it before it gets out of hand….but I have to be on my toes and watchful. Take a watchman for a business….if he were to be doing anything OTHER than being watchful….how can he possibly be efficient/productive in what he’s doing? It would be impossible to do an efficient/good job.

So, I watch, I help, I am an active participant in the healing process. I must be! Now what do I do? Well, today we go to counseling. Tonight we’re going to the grocery store which is ALWAYS a trigger.

 I will try something new referring to the grocery store and post about it later. I’m anxious to try new things and apprehensive at the same time because if it doesn’t work after a bit (can’t just try once) then I’m back to square one and I’m always nervous when I’m doing something different here and again. I want to be the best mama to MM that I can possibly be…more than I ever dreamed of being. Beyond what I can imagine, beyond my comfort zone so as to ensure healing for all of us, but mainly for MM. MM is the reason I get up in the morning….the reason I breathe….the reason I choose to endure the heartache of RAD, SPD and anxiety disorder. BUT….there is always a but, there is hope. True hope in this. I just have to be diligent and have a ton of faith!! Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers…..I pray for each of you and your children daily! 

 

Peace and Blessings to each of you…..

Mama249 

 

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